Anticipating Political Conversations During the Holidays
As the year draws to a close, many look forward to the holiday season and the potential to gather with friends, loved ones, and colleagues. While these celebratory get-togethers are often filled with love and connection, they can also place us in proximity to people with differing opinions, perspectives, and values.
These environments can sometimes become tricky spaces to navigate when we have opposing viewpoints to others on topics we’re particularly passionate about.
Wise speech can be a powerful tool to foster understanding, compassion, and peace in these moments of interpersonal communication. The practice of wise speech encourages us to communicate with honesty, kindness, and intention, creating room for authentic dialogue without harming relationships or sacrificing our values. This mindful approach to communication can be invaluable for those of us who want to engage meaningfully with those we care about, regardless of what time of year it is.
The Guidelines of Wise Speech
Originating from the Buddha’s Five Precepts, the concept of wise speech denotes communication that is truthful, timely, beneficial, and imbued with goodwill. It’s an embodied approach to interpersonal engagement that calls us to be fully present and aware of not just the words we choose – but their tone and intention as well.
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The following guidelines of wise speech can be a helpful support for actively choosing language that encourages understanding and fosters kindness:
Is it True?
Truthfulness isn’t simply about not speaking falsely—it’s about being transparent in our communication. Wise speech encourages a willingness to distinguish between fact-based truth and our “personal truth” based on direct experiences, perceptions, logic, and needs.
Is it Timely?
Timeliness is about being aware of the context in which we are communicating and the space we create for dialogue. Considering context means reflecting on whether the present moment is an appropriate moment to say what we’d like to say. In other words, asking ourselves the question, “Is this the right environment and moment to share?”
The pacing of a conversation is another important nuance. There’s a beautiful generosity in creating enough space in dialogue so each person can share in completion before the other person speaks. Restraining the tendency to rush through conversations is a powerful way to support understanding and harmony. This is especially true in emotionally charged situations where immediate responses might not allow for the careful reflection that wise speech encourages.
Is it Beneficial?
Speaking beneficially invites us to reflect on the purpose of our words. When we speak, we do so with the intention of our words being for the welfare of ourselves and others. Before speaking, we can ask ourselves, “Will what I say contribute to greater clarity, understanding, or compassion?”
Asking this question brings us back to the heart of wise speech: recognizing that our words can either contribute to suffering or alleviate it.
It’s important to note that beneficial speech is not about avoiding difficult conversations. Sometimes the most helpful communication may involve speaking difficult truths. When we approach a difficult conversation with the intention of moving the conversation forward in a positive way we can naturally shift into a more compassionate, open-hearted approach.
That being said, if people aren’t receptive to what we have to say, continuing the conversation may be unproductive and should be put on hold for now. For those who feel unsafe broaching difficult conversations with family members (in ex., LGBTQ+ individuals with unaccepting families), it can become necessary to prioritize inner harmony before outer harmony… more on that later.
Do I Have Goodwill?
Kindness doesn’t mean being nice for the sake of avoiding conflict. Rather, it’s the cultivation of goodwill, engaging in a manner that is gentle, patient, and respectful. One powerful way to practice this is by listening deeply before taking our turn to speak. When we are fully present with another person—listening to their words, tone of voice, and body language—we are more likely to respond from a place of true empathy.
When it is our turn to speak, a helpful question to ask ourselves is, “Am I expressing this with kindness and respect?”
If we find ourselves feeling strong emotions that are shifting us into a more reactive form of responding, taking a moment to pause before we speak can help to soften our response and choose words that reflect our deeper intention to be kind.
To Engage or Not to Engage
Before entering into any conversation, it is important to consider the current state of our own well-being. If we are not adequately resourced physically, mentally, and psychologically, taking on challenging engagements may not be wise.
The H.A.L.T. acronym can be a helpful resource for gathering initial information about whether we’re in the right mindset to engage in meaningful conversation. The acronym stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired—four states that can impact our mood, decision-making, and interactions with others. H.A.L.T. is a pause we can initiate in the moment to assess whether we are feeling irritable, stressed, or reactive.
By recognizing when we’re experiencing any of these states, we can potentially address our own needs before engaging with our external environment, ultimately preventing unskillful conversations that harm ourselves or others.
Why Does Wise Speech Matter?
Our words are powerful. When we align our communication with wise speech, we commit to a path of integrity, ethical practice, and benevolence. Wise speech isn’t about creating a rigid framework for communicating. It’s a continuous practice of noticing our motivations, questioning our intentions, and asking, “Is what I’m about to say helpful in this context and to this relationship?”
How we communicate not only impacts others but also has a profound effect on our own hearts and minds. It’s an outer reflection of the inner relationship we have with ourselves. When we choose words that are truthful, timely, beneficial, and kind, we are choosing to cultivate a heart that is gentle and compassionate, and a mind that is clear and peaceful.
In doing so, we’re giving a gift not only to others, but to ourselves as well.
